We all have choices to make in our lives. They happen every day whether they are big or small. Cereal or bagel for breakfast? Pass this guy in the car in front of me or hang behind? Those are the easy ones. The hard choices are the ones that stand out, the ones that stall your brain. You can't make up your mind and you can't move forward without doing so. So you stall. Your brain, your life, stands still. I find myself in this state often and I don't mean that I sit on my couch with drool running out of the side of my mouth because I can't function. I mean that my life spins in the same cycle and cannot move forward.
Let's get into specifics: Today my husband and I were trying to decide what to do with our entryway. We have a problem with flooding in our yard (read: mud) between where we park our vehicles and the steps of our porch. We have to park near the high spots and play a game of Frogger, jumping from one dry spot to the next, trying to avoid splattering mud on ourselves. So the choice is, how do we create a patio area and walkway into the house? Do we pour concrete or use wood? Perhaps we even go for the more expensive pavers? How big do we make it? Should it be on the front or side of the existing porch? Do we need to redo the porch too? The steps are loose and getting dangerous so we have to redo those. Do we keep them where they are or move them to the side? One question begets another and another and soon I want to throw my hands up, curse and go find a cookie. Not that I did. But I wanted to. Today nothing was decided and in essence, we stalled. I'm starting to realize that when I don't make a decision I am, still, making a choice. I choose to stand still. I watch as others live their lives around me while I live my life in one spot.
The biggest choice I've had lately is whether to return to work or not. After having my sweet baby girl almost six months ago, I have been in anguish trying to objectively weigh the pros and cons of returning full time to the workforce. I've wanted to leave my job to be a SAHM again for awhile now but haven't felt that I could, or should. The idea that I can even make a "choice" is a wonderful gift that is not lost on me. It seems a risky time to leave a secure job in this economy, and many cannot even fathom living on one income right now. What's also not lost on me though is the realization that nothing positive is ever gained by fear. A few weeks ago I finally restarted my brain and made the decision not to return to work. Without a proper speech or a formal letter in hand, I informed my supervisor of my intent. He was a bit surprised but respectfully understood, and the relief I had been searching for all of these months finally flooded my body. My choice had been made; now let the pieces fall as they may.
Following my decision to leave my job was a much needed and deserved family vacation. We had not taken one in four years and were anxious but better prepared to deal with possibly bratty children and crummy weather. Thankfully, we had a fantastic, relaxing vacation. The choices we had to make were relatively easy and uncomplicated. What do we want for dinner? Which beach should we go to today? Should we go in the outdoor or indoor pool? With some of those choices I found myself stalling a little bit, but then I would let go of the negative "what-ifs", make a decision and move forward. It felt really good. And then I had a cookie to celebrate.
