We all hate when our kids get sick. Whether you hate to see them suffer or the extra work you have to do to care for them or whatever, it stinks. Mine were suffering last week from strange, seemingly unrelated symptoms so I took them in together. One had massive sinus stuff, the other a crick in his neck and uneven shoulders (weird!) and the littlest munchkin had straight fever, nothing else. Not to mention that I was a runny, sneeze-y mess who couldn't answer the doctor's questions without a tissue pressed up to the side of my face. Two positive strep tests later (go figure!) we were on our way to the grocery store to fill the prescriptions and pick up some groceries since it was my usual shopping day. It was awful! I vowed "NEVER AGAIN" and I hope to remember that when I am feeling confident and in control some day in the future. Note to future self: Don't do it. Don't be a martyr and take them all. Go alone or eat those outdated beets and baked beans until you can!
Obviously curious why my two school-age children were raising havoc in the market, the bagger asked the checkout clerk if school was out that day. She dutifully replied that it was Regents week while I answered out loud that they were sick. I trailed off at the end, thinking how I now wanted to explain further that I was on them like white on rice about not touching anything while we were there, and hence my stressed out demeanor at the checkout. I didn't bother. I don't think the cashier/bagger conversation is really supposed to include me. Have you ever felt that way? That they know they have an audience but don't really acknowledge it? I have heard many stories about late-night partying or, my fave, gossip about other employees. Later this week when I went there again (alone!) I overheard about the love-hate viewing habits of The Jersey Shore and how "orange" those guys are, as well as how one of their fellow coworkers was looking a little tangerine himself until lately. I thought it was amusing but I didn't know if I should laugh, add my own comment, or just smile and leave. I chose number three. When in doubt always choose "C".
The kids are feeling better now and so am I. They are back in school and I am back to going to the market solo. Well, nearly. I still have the little one and she does like to squeal and shriek in the cart to draw attention. But that's ok. I'll just enjoy my little conversations with her as I make my way through the aisles and to the checkout. Maybe next time we can discuss our middle-of-the night parties, how red Elmo is looking lately or how we wonder if the new trend in bagging is to squash the bananas with the canned goods. Oh if only I were brave enough to choose "C"!
A mediocre mom who has visions of grandeur.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Update to Christmas post
As I sit here re-reading my last post two weeks later I realize a couple things:
1) we may never get a new tree (that duct-taped stand may have to do!), and
2) it already feels like it's been months since Christmas.
There's usually a depressing lull that happens after the holidays. All that running around and seeing people takes its toll and there is at first a welcome break. But once the kids are back in school (and thank goodness they are back in school!) and you start to get your routine back again, the northeast cold settles into your bones and you realize there's nothing to do.
A little nothing to do is fine. I welcome it whole-heartedly. But a LOT of nothing to do, as in feeling like you have no purpose, well that's just not a good road to be walking along in the depths of the winter season. Why do I stay in New York and bear all this cold and snow and wind and snow and ice and snow? Because of days like today, when it's in the high 30's and the sun is shining so everything is bright and white. The air feels cool and fresh and your spirits are lifted. Time to take a real walk out in the sunshine and dream about spring!
1) we may never get a new tree (that duct-taped stand may have to do!), and
2) it already feels like it's been months since Christmas.
There's usually a depressing lull that happens after the holidays. All that running around and seeing people takes its toll and there is at first a welcome break. But once the kids are back in school (and thank goodness they are back in school!) and you start to get your routine back again, the northeast cold settles into your bones and you realize there's nothing to do.
A little nothing to do is fine. I welcome it whole-heartedly. But a LOT of nothing to do, as in feeling like you have no purpose, well that's just not a good road to be walking along in the depths of the winter season. Why do I stay in New York and bear all this cold and snow and wind and snow and ice and snow? Because of days like today, when it's in the high 30's and the sun is shining so everything is bright and white. The air feels cool and fresh and your spirits are lifted. Time to take a real walk out in the sunshine and dream about spring!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
What happened to Christmas?
I used to love Christmas. I would eagerly anticipate it for months beforehand and I couldn't wait to start shopping for my family and friends. When I met my husband it was at long last a romantic holiday to share with the man that I loved. When we had our first child it was transformed back into a truly magical event where we could share our traditions and excitedly make new ones for all of our children. Stories of Santa and his reindeer and Rudolph, Frosty and Charlie Brown specials on tv filled the house and our toddler's ears. We were a family at Christmas; what could be sweeter?
Unfortunately, a few years ago it just lost its luster for me. The kids were older and some Santa-doubt was creeping in, but I think that the accumulation of shoddy holiday decor and knick-knacks was the main culprit for my bad mood. I hate even thinking of pulling all that stuff out and going through it to find something inspiring. Things from our early years as a couple that used to bring a smile to my face are either broken or tarnished. Even the walking, "Jingle Bells" playing, bell ringing Santa from my childhood doesn't make it out of the box anymore. And he still works!
One small glimmer of hope is... - our boring, old, fake tree has taken a stand for the last time. This year we whipped out the duct tape to hold the base together and vowed that this would be it for the old pipe cleaner. I am actually looking forward to having a new one next year; the pre-lit kind so I don't have to wrap the lights around it. I know that I should be out shopping for a new one now, when after-holiday deals are available, but I cannot bring any more Christmas stuff into this house! I am already overwhelmed with toys strewn through every room and this year's decorations to take down. I am fully aware that I need to go through those boxes and purge the stuff I can't stomach to look at another year. It will be a lot of time and effort, but the idea of starting fresh is really getting me in the spirit! Hmmm.... Too bad it's December 28th.
I do think next year will be better. Besides, there only needs to be one Grinch, and I am determined that it won't be me.
Unfortunately, a few years ago it just lost its luster for me. The kids were older and some Santa-doubt was creeping in, but I think that the accumulation of shoddy holiday decor and knick-knacks was the main culprit for my bad mood. I hate even thinking of pulling all that stuff out and going through it to find something inspiring. Things from our early years as a couple that used to bring a smile to my face are either broken or tarnished. Even the walking, "Jingle Bells" playing, bell ringing Santa from my childhood doesn't make it out of the box anymore. And he still works!
One small glimmer of hope is... - our boring, old, fake tree has taken a stand for the last time. This year we whipped out the duct tape to hold the base together and vowed that this would be it for the old pipe cleaner. I am actually looking forward to having a new one next year; the pre-lit kind so I don't have to wrap the lights around it. I know that I should be out shopping for a new one now, when after-holiday deals are available, but I cannot bring any more Christmas stuff into this house! I am already overwhelmed with toys strewn through every room and this year's decorations to take down. I am fully aware that I need to go through those boxes and purge the stuff I can't stomach to look at another year. It will be a lot of time and effort, but the idea of starting fresh is really getting me in the spirit! Hmmm.... Too bad it's December 28th.
I do think next year will be better. Besides, there only needs to be one Grinch, and I am determined that it won't be me.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was great to see extended family and enjoy a traditional holiday meal. The food was delicious and after a few years of small numbers we were back to a large gathering. An out-of-state nephew with wife and new daughter were the focal point and a joy to watch. Everyone lit up around them and it's easy to see why it is that people keep having children. They just bring "life" everywhere they go.
Of all the things I am thankful for, the best part of Thanksgiving for me was the five days "off". There was no need to wake up early for school and that was fantastic! Of course there were still things to do and take care of, but the break from the everyday battle to get up and out the door on time was a relief. Now they are back in school but that is a relief as well since they are not underfoot all day. My kids are wonderful and creative but they also have no sense of volume control. Most of my days with them at home are reminding them to keep their voices down. It surprises me that our children are so loud as my husband and I both claim to have been shy and quiet as children. What happened? I'm sure when I look back in thirty years I'll have fond memories of these hectic times and instead of remembering all the noise, I'll remember all the "life" that filled our home. And if I am lucky, I will have a house full of children and grandchildren enjoying Thanksgiving dinner and sharing their life and love with us.
Of all the things I am thankful for, the best part of Thanksgiving for me was the five days "off". There was no need to wake up early for school and that was fantastic! Of course there were still things to do and take care of, but the break from the everyday battle to get up and out the door on time was a relief. Now they are back in school but that is a relief as well since they are not underfoot all day. My kids are wonderful and creative but they also have no sense of volume control. Most of my days with them at home are reminding them to keep their voices down. It surprises me that our children are so loud as my husband and I both claim to have been shy and quiet as children. What happened? I'm sure when I look back in thirty years I'll have fond memories of these hectic times and instead of remembering all the noise, I'll remember all the "life" that filled our home. And if I am lucky, I will have a house full of children and grandchildren enjoying Thanksgiving dinner and sharing their life and love with us.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Time Sucks
I use the word "sucks" in my title not as an adjective but as a verb. As in, I'm making a list of things that quickly take up more time then you ever anticipate spending on them.
1. The computer/internet. I rarely get on my computer anymore without being drawn in and losing at least a half hour. My usual, "Oh, I'll just check my email" quickly turns into checking facebook, then friends' blogs, and then there's the Yahoo! homepage and if John & Kate are there you know I have to read it. (I never thought I was a rubbernecker, but when it comes to them I just can't. stop. watching.)
2. Television. My first love. It wasn't my husband badgering me to get a large flat screen tv that brought one into our home. It was my own obsession with television and the fact that I wanted to see it bigger, bolder, better!! With the addition of a DVR I can blissfully spend hours in front of the television, happily avoiding chores and responsibilities, and thus landing the tv on the major time suck list.
3. Cutting Coupons. I haven't even bothered to do this for the past three years. But now, since I am a SAHM again, I feel like I ought to be. I clearly see the benefit to saving as much money as possible, and I like getting a bargain, but what a PIA they are!! I haven't found a system that works for me and an old envelope just isn't cutting it. I have one of those bulky organizers (you know, with the dividers?) that I could use but they're so dorky and awkward. Then again, I am using my own bags at the grocery store now and as a child nothing to me screamed "Crazy Old Lady" more than someone using their own bags...sigh.... Maybe that organizer and I will have a future together.
4. The Doctor's Office. Holy crap why does it TAKE so LONG?!?!?! I used to feel incredibly guilty if I was a few minutes late for an appointment, but after spending over an hour waiting for the doctor in a paper gown I no longer have remorse.
5. Lines, in general. I am actually a pretty patient person and I try really hard not to complain when I'm waiting in line. It doesn't make sense to me to be upset over something I have no control over. I do, however, sometimes curse myself for picking the wrong lane. Consequently I don't think I'd be very good at a game show. But waiting in line is tedious and if you add a few kids to the mix it is now not only a time suck but one of those "please just let me survive this moment" kind of deals.
And that's a whole 'nother list.
P
1. The computer/internet. I rarely get on my computer anymore without being drawn in and losing at least a half hour. My usual, "Oh, I'll just check my email" quickly turns into checking facebook, then friends' blogs, and then there's the Yahoo! homepage and if John & Kate are there you know I have to read it. (I never thought I was a rubbernecker, but when it comes to them I just can't. stop. watching.)
2. Television. My first love. It wasn't my husband badgering me to get a large flat screen tv that brought one into our home. It was my own obsession with television and the fact that I wanted to see it bigger, bolder, better!! With the addition of a DVR I can blissfully spend hours in front of the television, happily avoiding chores and responsibilities, and thus landing the tv on the major time suck list.
3. Cutting Coupons. I haven't even bothered to do this for the past three years. But now, since I am a SAHM again, I feel like I ought to be. I clearly see the benefit to saving as much money as possible, and I like getting a bargain, but what a PIA they are!! I haven't found a system that works for me and an old envelope just isn't cutting it. I have one of those bulky organizers (you know, with the dividers?) that I could use but they're so dorky and awkward. Then again, I am using my own bags at the grocery store now and as a child nothing to me screamed "Crazy Old Lady" more than someone using their own bags...sigh.... Maybe that organizer and I will have a future together.
4. The Doctor's Office. Holy crap why does it TAKE so LONG?!?!?! I used to feel incredibly guilty if I was a few minutes late for an appointment, but after spending over an hour waiting for the doctor in a paper gown I no longer have remorse.
5. Lines, in general. I am actually a pretty patient person and I try really hard not to complain when I'm waiting in line. It doesn't make sense to me to be upset over something I have no control over. I do, however, sometimes curse myself for picking the wrong lane. Consequently I don't think I'd be very good at a game show. But waiting in line is tedious and if you add a few kids to the mix it is now not only a time suck but one of those "please just let me survive this moment" kind of deals.
And that's a whole 'nother list.
P
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Out with the old
I haven't been able to commit myself to writing in my blog. My excuses are mostly that I do not have the time to do it since I have a baby girl and two older boys to take care of. I had a job to return to part-time, summer vacation days to fill, a house under reorganization (to fit in our wonderful new baby), and all the while I've been sleep deprived most days. While this is all true and good reasons to put writing on the back burner, the biggest reason of all? The one that stomps the life out of all of my ideas and dreams? Fear. It's simple really: I am afraid to not be perfect and to fail. (Failing at a blog seems ridiculous I'm sure, but it's more than that for me.)
I see this trait reflected in my oldest son. He is intelligent and imaginative, loving and sentimental, but he is also anxious about trying new things and not being good at something. It's hard to see something in your child that you have had a hard time dealing with yourself. Thankfully he doesn't have to see it the same way that I do. He can be perfectly happy and comfortable in his own skin and that's what is so wonderful about life. We are not doomed to make the same mistakes as others or to live our lives exactly like our parents lived theirs. Yes, we women do turn into our mothers eventually, but always as a slightly better version!
I'm going to try to shed my crusty, insecure, tired, beaten-up skin. I'll write what I feel like and stop trying to have it all make sense. Because really, why would I care if people think I am strange? I already know I am. If writing makes me feel good then it could be fun and therapeutic all at the same time! And if by chance this provides one person out there with a laugh once in awhile, then I've earned bonus points.
P
I see this trait reflected in my oldest son. He is intelligent and imaginative, loving and sentimental, but he is also anxious about trying new things and not being good at something. It's hard to see something in your child that you have had a hard time dealing with yourself. Thankfully he doesn't have to see it the same way that I do. He can be perfectly happy and comfortable in his own skin and that's what is so wonderful about life. We are not doomed to make the same mistakes as others or to live our lives exactly like our parents lived theirs. Yes, we women do turn into our mothers eventually, but always as a slightly better version!
I'm going to try to shed my crusty, insecure, tired, beaten-up skin. I'll write what I feel like and stop trying to have it all make sense. Because really, why would I care if people think I am strange? I already know I am. If writing makes me feel good then it could be fun and therapeutic all at the same time! And if by chance this provides one person out there with a laugh once in awhile, then I've earned bonus points.
P
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Choices
We all have choices to make in our lives. They happen every day whether they are big or small. Cereal or bagel for breakfast? Pass this guy in the car in front of me or hang behind? Those are the easy ones. The hard choices are the ones that stand out, the ones that stall your brain. You can't make up your mind and you can't move forward without doing so. So you stall. Your brain, your life, stands still. I find myself in this state often and I don't mean that I sit on my couch with drool running out of the side of my mouth because I can't function. I mean that my life spins in the same cycle and cannot move forward.
Let's get into specifics: Today my husband and I were trying to decide what to do with our entryway. We have a problem with flooding in our yard (read: mud) between where we park our vehicles and the steps of our porch. We have to park near the high spots and play a game of Frogger, jumping from one dry spot to the next, trying to avoid splattering mud on ourselves. So the choice is, how do we create a patio area and walkway into the house? Do we pour concrete or use wood? Perhaps we even go for the more expensive pavers? How big do we make it? Should it be on the front or side of the existing porch? Do we need to redo the porch too? The steps are loose and getting dangerous so we have to redo those. Do we keep them where they are or move them to the side? One question begets another and another and soon I want to throw my hands up, curse and go find a cookie. Not that I did. But I wanted to. Today nothing was decided and in essence, we stalled. I'm starting to realize that when I don't make a decision I am, still, making a choice. I choose to stand still. I watch as others live their lives around me while I live my life in one spot.
The biggest choice I've had lately is whether to return to work or not. After having my sweet baby girl almost six months ago, I have been in anguish trying to objectively weigh the pros and cons of returning full time to the workforce. I've wanted to leave my job to be a SAHM again for awhile now but haven't felt that I could, or should. The idea that I can even make a "choice" is a wonderful gift that is not lost on me. It seems a risky time to leave a secure job in this economy, and many cannot even fathom living on one income right now. What's also not lost on me though is the realization that nothing positive is ever gained by fear. A few weeks ago I finally restarted my brain and made the decision not to return to work. Without a proper speech or a formal letter in hand, I informed my supervisor of my intent. He was a bit surprised but respectfully understood, and the relief I had been searching for all of these months finally flooded my body. My choice had been made; now let the pieces fall as they may.
Following my decision to leave my job was a much needed and deserved family vacation. We had not taken one in four years and were anxious but better prepared to deal with possibly bratty children and crummy weather. Thankfully, we had a fantastic, relaxing vacation. The choices we had to make were relatively easy and uncomplicated. What do we want for dinner? Which beach should we go to today? Should we go in the outdoor or indoor pool? With some of those choices I found myself stalling a little bit, but then I would let go of the negative "what-ifs", make a decision and move forward. It felt really good. And then I had a cookie to celebrate.
Let's get into specifics: Today my husband and I were trying to decide what to do with our entryway. We have a problem with flooding in our yard (read: mud) between where we park our vehicles and the steps of our porch. We have to park near the high spots and play a game of Frogger, jumping from one dry spot to the next, trying to avoid splattering mud on ourselves. So the choice is, how do we create a patio area and walkway into the house? Do we pour concrete or use wood? Perhaps we even go for the more expensive pavers? How big do we make it? Should it be on the front or side of the existing porch? Do we need to redo the porch too? The steps are loose and getting dangerous so we have to redo those. Do we keep them where they are or move them to the side? One question begets another and another and soon I want to throw my hands up, curse and go find a cookie. Not that I did. But I wanted to. Today nothing was decided and in essence, we stalled. I'm starting to realize that when I don't make a decision I am, still, making a choice. I choose to stand still. I watch as others live their lives around me while I live my life in one spot.
The biggest choice I've had lately is whether to return to work or not. After having my sweet baby girl almost six months ago, I have been in anguish trying to objectively weigh the pros and cons of returning full time to the workforce. I've wanted to leave my job to be a SAHM again for awhile now but haven't felt that I could, or should. The idea that I can even make a "choice" is a wonderful gift that is not lost on me. It seems a risky time to leave a secure job in this economy, and many cannot even fathom living on one income right now. What's also not lost on me though is the realization that nothing positive is ever gained by fear. A few weeks ago I finally restarted my brain and made the decision not to return to work. Without a proper speech or a formal letter in hand, I informed my supervisor of my intent. He was a bit surprised but respectfully understood, and the relief I had been searching for all of these months finally flooded my body. My choice had been made; now let the pieces fall as they may.
Following my decision to leave my job was a much needed and deserved family vacation. We had not taken one in four years and were anxious but better prepared to deal with possibly bratty children and crummy weather. Thankfully, we had a fantastic, relaxing vacation. The choices we had to make were relatively easy and uncomplicated. What do we want for dinner? Which beach should we go to today? Should we go in the outdoor or indoor pool? With some of those choices I found myself stalling a little bit, but then I would let go of the negative "what-ifs", make a decision and move forward. It felt really good. And then I had a cookie to celebrate.
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