Still Here... Hanging On

It's summer time and we're busy and that's my excuse. Truth be told it is the fact that I am struggling with wanting to write more than I am willing to at this time. I don't know how much to share. I'll tell you this though: my sons, ages 12 and 9 (hitting double digits this month!), are completely driving me crazy most days. The arguing, both amongst themselves and with me, has reached a new level. Even when I try to remain calm I feel like I'm attacked many times every day. But somehow today I have escaped to sit on our dilapidated porch while the baby naps. It is quiet and awesome. Even the weed whacker in the distance and the flies constantly landing on my legs don't bother me. I am home and I have peace. That is what I have been waiting for!

So let's interrupt this peaceful moment with what is nagging at me. Here it is:
My younger son has autism. He was diagnosed at age 5 with Asperger's Syndrome. He has always been a handful but lately his behavior makes me want to ship him off for a few months for a reprieve. I'm not joking and I feel like the worst mother in the world. I just need a break! School will be here in a month and then I will miss him and his eager smile and his bountiful hugs and kisses.

My oldest son is 12. Enough said?! Actually I have to admit that he has been much more pleasant to be around lately. He antagonizes his brother almost daily but then he'll be kind and be his best friend. He's less rude and disrespectful because I have demanded better of him. He's maturing and I see that wonderful spirit that I saw when he was a young child. I have been making a concerted effort to see the good things he does and to tell him more often how great I think he is.

My daughter is almost 17 months and she is a joy to be around. She is quiet but loves to play and she is very interested in her surroundings. She's always half-running around the house playing with toys or trying to help Mommy. She likes to grab the broom to sweep and will put toys away if I ask (and it helps if I sing the annoying Barney Clean Up song). She is starting to say a few words now and I love hearing her little girly voice. With all this happiness I have inside me from being around her and having her in my life, I still think it's going to slip away and I will have Brat #3 on my hands before I know it. So I savor every good moment. She is probably the reason I am surviving this very long summer home alone with three kids. She is my light.

So life is good. Sometimes bad. I want to focus on the good, but I have trouble getting past the bad sometimes. Because it can be really, really bad when dealing with autism. And it can be really, really lonely. I don't know if writing about it will help or just make me feel worse. So let me contemplate that a little more and I'll get back to you.