The Book She Could Not Finish?

I have been reading a really good book. It's informative and an important book for me that I'm getting a lot out of. But I am only reading one or two pages at a time. Seriously. It's taking me FOR.EV.ER. to get through it and that's driving me bonkers. I got it from the library and I've renewed it three times. THREE TIMES! It's actually due today but I'm only on page 244 of 380 pages. I have no renewals left and I need to finish it! Need to! No Mrs. Librarian, you CANNOT have your book back yet!

I could be reading it right now. I should be. But it's so hard for me to read. Everything has meaning and I'm trying to absorb it all into my withered brain. Just the title takes a full minute to read and digest: "Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism". It is written by two well-known adults on the autism spectrum (Dr. Temple Grandin and Sean Barron). They recount their struggles with social relationships and what they have learned that they can share with us, the neurotypicals (NTs) of the world. Having a son that is struggling with these issues I try to relate everything I am reading to what he is going through, what he can learn, how I could teach him and even how I can think differently about the social world we live in. It's good stuff and I am happy to be reading it. Happy to be thinking and learning. Even if it is a few pages here and there.

Thinking, contemplating and putting the pieces of the puzzle together are enjoyable but take a LOT of time and effort. Something I am in short supply of nowadays.You hear that Mrs. Librarian? I'm old and rusty and busy too! Can't you just give me a few more days (or weeks/months/years)?!?!?!

*Sigh.* Time to buy myself a copy.

Follow Up to "Hanging On"

Remember when I said I was sitting peacefully on my porch writing my last entry? Yeah. About that. I had a nagging feeling at the time, like I wasn't supposed to have that quiet to myself. I ignored it and continued to enjoy my time alone. It took me two hours to realize what I was supposed to be doing. Two hours to hear my son say, "Mom, I thought you were making us lunch?" Omg, I didn't. Yes, yes I did. I forgot that I'd told them I would make them lunch and call them downstairs when it was ready. Are you laughing yet?? Because I am. I felt a little bad and guilty, but also amused that once again (yes, I've done it before) I'd forgotten to give my children one of their daily needs. Oops. Oh well they ate a late lunch that day. At least I'd fed the baby!

Still Here... Hanging On

It's summer time and we're busy and that's my excuse. Truth be told it is the fact that I am struggling with wanting to write more than I am willing to at this time. I don't know how much to share. I'll tell you this though: my sons, ages 12 and 9 (hitting double digits this month!), are completely driving me crazy most days. The arguing, both amongst themselves and with me, has reached a new level. Even when I try to remain calm I feel like I'm attacked many times every day. But somehow today I have escaped to sit on our dilapidated porch while the baby naps. It is quiet and awesome. Even the weed whacker in the distance and the flies constantly landing on my legs don't bother me. I am home and I have peace. That is what I have been waiting for!

So let's interrupt this peaceful moment with what is nagging at me. Here it is:
My younger son has autism. He was diagnosed at age 5 with Asperger's Syndrome. He has always been a handful but lately his behavior makes me want to ship him off for a few months for a reprieve. I'm not joking and I feel like the worst mother in the world. I just need a break! School will be here in a month and then I will miss him and his eager smile and his bountiful hugs and kisses.

My oldest son is 12. Enough said?! Actually I have to admit that he has been much more pleasant to be around lately. He antagonizes his brother almost daily but then he'll be kind and be his best friend. He's less rude and disrespectful because I have demanded better of him. He's maturing and I see that wonderful spirit that I saw when he was a young child. I have been making a concerted effort to see the good things he does and to tell him more often how great I think he is.

My daughter is almost 17 months and she is a joy to be around. She is quiet but loves to play and she is very interested in her surroundings. She's always half-running around the house playing with toys or trying to help Mommy. She likes to grab the broom to sweep and will put toys away if I ask (and it helps if I sing the annoying Barney Clean Up song). She is starting to say a few words now and I love hearing her little girly voice. With all this happiness I have inside me from being around her and having her in my life, I still think it's going to slip away and I will have Brat #3 on my hands before I know it. So I savor every good moment. She is probably the reason I am surviving this very long summer home alone with three kids. She is my light.

So life is good. Sometimes bad. I want to focus on the good, but I have trouble getting past the bad sometimes. Because it can be really, really bad when dealing with autism. And it can be really, really lonely. I don't know if writing about it will help or just make me feel worse. So let me contemplate that a little more and I'll get back to you.

Birthdays

So the Girl had her first birthday in March and now today is the Eldest's big day. Except it's not really a "big" day. He's 12 and we're not having a big birthday party. We're not having a little one either. Well, if you count having cake and ice cream as a family then I guess we are having a little one. Teeny.

My husband said it's time to stop the birthday parties. That was hard for me as I've always gone above and beyond making them extra special and unique. But, alas, I've been falling out of love with them for the past several years. All the work and stress was worth it when they were little and engaged and full of pure joy. But as kids get older they understandably don't want to be treated "like babies" and their idea for a fun party consists of them and their friends sitting around playing video games. Um, not fun for me. Hence the falling out of love with children's birthday parties. Which is quite sad I must say, seeing as I have one more child now that is sure to want huge, fun parties. I think it's a good thing she is a girl and I will be more enticed by the options I now have. Maybe I could get excited over that.

I still have my Middle guy to appease. He is going to be 10 this summer and is still into themes. My husband will probably say forget it, and frankly so may I, but maybe I can sneak in one more. Perhaps my lack of enthusiasm stems from the fact that I'm just getting older and not enjoying my own birthdays as much anymore. I feel selfish to want the day to be all about me, but I do! If only I could shout out orders: Clean the house! Feed me! Make me a cake! Buy me special presents! Hmm, sounds like the ungrateful one turns out to be ME. ;P

Now it's time to pack up the children and head, begrudgingly, out to the Eldest's choice for his birthday dinner: McDonald's. :(  I can not groan enough as I type this. Can you feel my pain?! I thought heading out to dinner would be a treat for all of us. Turns out that Mom and Dad are going to suck it up and smile. Happy Birthday!

The remote and a baby

My nearly-one-year-old daughter has almost mastered the remote control for the Tivo and TV. How's that for a quick learner? At this moment she has retrieved the clicker from the other side of Mt. Laundry, pushed the button to turn the TV on, and has again climbed Mt. Laundry to get a better viewing angle. But as with most one-year-olds, when faced with a screen that does nothing but show a list of Mommy's boring thirty-something-year-old shows, she has lost interest and has moved on to taking the hat off her mini baby doll's head. That's more like it.

Time for me to grab that remote and find a better hiding spot!

Talking about how boring I am....

A friend and I were "tweeting" tonight, but not how you think. It was more like Intro to Tweet or Twitter 101 and she was my inept teacher. (Sorry, P, that is said with humor and love.) I don't really see the point in my taking part in it. I use facebook all the time. To snoop. I don't think anyone really wants to hear all the random crap that comes into my head. (Yes, the irony being that here I expel those thoughts, but I like to think that it is much less random and a little more crafted.) That being said I have decided to just go with it and throw some nonsense out there for stress relief or to make my friend laugh. Maybe it will be like the feeling of relief that I get when I loudly curse after slamming my thigh into the corner of the table. Again. Because I have not learned in my thirty-some-odd years how to navigate my body AROUND furniture instead of through it. Yes, folks, this could be fun. I shall embrace it! Time to let the profanities and sporadic thoughts fly!!

New Look

I'm trying to update the look of my blog. Funny thing is, growing up in the 80's I loved color and I vowed to never wear those boring browns and greens (gag!) that my mother always picked out. Yeah about that. Here I am in my thirties and all I wear are the boring tans and muted shades of blue and green. What the heck happened?? When did I lose all my nerve to take risks in clothing? Oh right. Probably when I realized that my mile-high hair did not look good.

I think I'm better off.